Past months Featured Jokes.....December

Sex is like a joke. Some get it. And some don't.

Two blondes walk into a building......you'd think one of them would have seen it.

Men who hang out in bars a lot, have one of two reasons: They either have no wife to go home to....or they do.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"
The ostrich says "I'll have the same"
And the cat says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

An old man goes into an ice cream parlor walking very shakily with a cane.
He sits down at the counter and orders a chocolate sundae from the soda jerk.
The soda jerk asks him, "Crushed nuts?"
The old man replied, "No, arthritis."

How come your husband took up golf? a wife was asked.
He wanted to be a comedian, she replied, but he had trouble making people laugh.
And? the questioner asked with considerable confusion.
And now, he has no trouble at all, the wife responded.

The young golfer paired up with the elder statesmen of their club for an afternoon of golf. At each tee for the first 9 holes the young man tried to drive the ball with all his might. Long he was, but in the rough, out of bounds or in an adjacent fairway on each hole. The older gent, on the other hand, calmly drove his ball down the center of the fairway and onto each green in regulation.
At the 10th tee the elder statesman withdrew his well worn cigar from his Mouth and in a raspy voice offered the following sage advice....
"Hey kid.... LDDMS."
Confused the young man asked "LDDMS...what the heck does that mean???"
"Long Drives Don't Mean Shit."

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, Do you think we can still do that?
Well, we can sure try! she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
What are you doing, sweetheart? he asked.
Well, she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.
The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Jill: My ex thought he was "king of the castle."
Mary: Did you show him the error of his ways?
Jill: Yep! I used logic.
Mary: Tell me!
Jill: I just said, "A king is a ruler. A ruler is twelve inches. Do you still think you're the king?"

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN!
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your last name stays put.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
You can open all your own jars.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a six-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for
hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25
relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The world is your urinal.

If Men Really Ruled the World...
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a - "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops or to the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off.
...and finally...
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation!

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