THAT WAS NO LADY FROM THE SEA

An Ibsen parody

by Linda Eisenstein

 Full Length Plays

Musicals

One Acts

Monologues

Theatre Music

 Ridiculous-style farce.

15 minutes

5F, 1M (cross-gender possible)

20's-40's

Lust and laughter on the fjords: a married woman pines for her long-lost "sailor" in this campy Ibsen parody full of unexpressed longing and repressed desire.

 

Ellida (Kelly Fisher), Dr. Wanker (Bob Cruz), & Miss Ballestad (Mary Louise Mooney) in the TOSOS II production. Photo by Doric Wilson.

 

 
"TAn Ibsen spoof in which a number of familiar stock characters from the master playwright's canon are twisted (but only a little) into unfamiliar shapes ... . - nytheatre.com

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 EXCERPT

 

[In an isolated 19th century Norway village, a married but restless ELLIDA is visited by her "spinster" friend FANNY ARNHOLM. FANNY is very tweedy; with little change, she could be on a contemporary college literary faculty, deconstructing the canon.]

FANNY

We must talk, Ellida.

ELLIDA

Dearest Arnholm. Always so serious.

FANNY

I've spent so many years in silence.

ELLIDA

Don't be absurd, Fanny, you never shut up.

FANNY

Why did I? Perhaps because I knew. That your heart belonged to another. I used to lie awake thinking -- if only I had the courage to speak.

ELLIDA

Fanny, dear, we're friends.

FANNY

If only...

ELLIDA

And you've imagined the rest.

FANNY

Then I heard you had married Dr. Wanker. Was he the one you were waiting for? I couldn't believe it.

ELLIDA

Wanker? (laughs a tinkling little laugh)

FANNY

I knew it!

ELLIDA

Though he is kind. What kind I'm not sure. No. It was...a sailor.

(From far off, a tango. In blue light, a vision of THE STRANGER appears. She's incredibly butch. Striped sailor muscle-tee, tight pants -- like an Apache dancer.)

ELLIDA

I didn't know what was happening to me. Those rippling muscles. Those smouldering eyes. I had never felt like such a woman before. It was as though I had no will of my own. I was helpless to stop myself. Ah, you'll never know the freedom I felt in that slavery.

(ELLIDA and THE STRANGER dance a passionate tango, ELLIDA allowing herself to be dragged about like a mop.)

FANNY

But I could offer you...a life of the mind. We have so much in common, Ellida. We can even wear the same sweaters.

ELLIDA

(as she dances) Sometimes, Fanny, a woman wants...something hard. Sometimes she needs to be overwhelmed, knocked down like by a pounding surf. Drowned by a will greater than her own, like a riptide.

FANNY

No. I can't give you that. I can only offer you a life of mutual respect. Intellectual challenge. Folk songs by Olivia Records.

ELLIDA

Tough titty.

(As the tango fades, and ELLIDA and THE STRANGER disengage:)

ELLIDA

Someday a ship will come into that harbor, and out of the sea it will come: My destiny. My fate. Until then, I wait.

(THE STRANGER disappears.)

ELLIDA

And wait, and wait.

(ELLIDA sighs and floats off toward the sea, pining, leaving FANNY banging her head on the table.)

FANNY

(muttering) Why, why, why? ALWAYS the unavailable ones. Why, why, why?

(CONTINUES)

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