(AT RISE: The SOUND of PHONES RINGING . THREE EMPLOYEES – JEAN, RENE and BOB --at a crisis hotline sit in a row wearing head sets. They switch phone lines with the phones in front of them.
JEAN Holiday Hotline.
CALLER #1 What about my cookie recipe?
JEAN What about it?
CALLER #1 My neighbor says her Christmas cookies are better than mine. How do I get my cookies to not taste like molasses?
JEAN Don't put molasses in them.
CALLER #1 Oh.
RENE Holiday Hotline.
CALLER #2 At work, I'm the Secret Santa for this guy I hate. What do you buy for someone you despise?
RENE Fruitcake.
CALLER #2 Doesn't that seem a little drastic?
RENE (darkly) Trust me. Fruitcake.
JEAN Holiday Hotline.
CALLER #3 Yeah. I'm naked. Can somebody there talk dirty to me?
JEAN This isn't that kind of hotline.
CALLER #3 Then can I order some Chinese?
(JEAN hangs up.)
BOB Holiday Hotline.
CALLER #4 I'm standing on the ledge outside my apartment building and I'm going to jump.
BOB Mm-hmm.
CALLER #4 All this love and happiness stuff just reminds me that I have no one and my life is empty.
BOB You think you got problems? My wife left me a year ago and I still can't get over it. I lay awake at night and I cry and I cry --
CALLER #4 Wait a minute. Is this the hotline?
BOB I found this card she gave me on our first Christmas together. Listen to this --
CALLER #4 Hey -- remember me? I'm the ledge lady. I'm gonna jump off a building.
BOB "Dear Honeymonkey --" She used to call me Honeymonkey...it just tears me apart...hello? Hello?
RENE Holiday Hotline.
CALLER #5 Sometimes I feel like I'm in a musical revue, and the only way I can get people to listen to me is if I sing --
RENE Please don't. (hangs up)
JEAN Holiday Hotline.
BOB Yeah. I've been really depressed. My wife left me a year ago --
JEAN Bob?
BOB I'd prefer to remain anonymous.
JEAN I can see you talking to me on the phone.
BOB Anyway...I met her at a Christmas party and Christmas was -- this was our holiday, and everything about it makes me weep --
JEAN Bob, please hold. I have a real call on the other line. Holiday Hotline.
RENE Yeah...I work in this dead end job at-uh...at this complaint factory --
JEAN Rene?
RENE Listening to people's problems just depresses me. Everybody's so unhappy.
JEAN Rene. Hang up and get back to work. (switches lines) Bob. Pull yourself together and do your job. (hangs up on BOB, picks up another call) Holiday Hotline.
CALLER #5 Sometimes I feel like I'm in a musical revue, and the only way I can get people to listen to me is if I sing --
JEAN Please hold.
RENE Holiday Hotline.
CALLER #6 I was going to jump off a bridge, so this angel came down and said he would show me what it would be like if I had never been born. Then he touched me -- inappropriately.
RENE Please hold.
CALLER #7 Hello? Hello?
(BOB just bawls openly into the phone.)
CALLER #7 Is this Holiday Hotline?
(BOB cries some more.)
CALLER #7 I was feeling a little lonely and wanted to talk to someone...
BOB (still crying) I'm so miserable. Life isn't worth living. Hello? Hello?
RENE Holiday Hotline.
JEAN Holiday Hotline.
BOB Holiday Hotline.
CALLER #5 Sometimes I feel like I'm in a musical revue, and the only way I can get people to listen to me is if I sing !
(sings)
HELLO, HOLIDAY HOTLINE!
THE MERCHANTS IN THE MALL ARE GIVING ME PAIN.
I'M LIVING ON MYLANTA --
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF SANTA
OF HEARING HIM HO-HO-ING THROUGH HIS HARD-SELL CAMPAIGN!
CALLER HELLO, HOLIDAY HOTLINE,
CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS ARE CORRUPTING MY BOYS.
AT SATURDAY CARTOON TIME,
FROM NINE O'CLOCK TO NOONTIME,
IT'S HEAVEN FOR THE HAWKERS OF THE NINETY-BUCK TOYS.
ALL HELP ME! HOLIDAY HOTLINE!
I KNOW THAT I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE!
HELP ME! HOLIDAY HOTLINE!
IF I ADMIT IT, WILL YOU HATE ME?
WHY SHOULDN'T CHRISTMAS IRRITATE ME?
WHEN DID IT STOP BEING FUN?
CALLER HELLO, HOLIDAY HOTLINE,
MY NERVES ARE SHREDDED, I'M ABOUT TO SUCCUMB.
I WON'T LET THEM ANNOY ME,
TO TORTURE OR DESTROY ME,
THAT FIENDISH LITTLE DRUMMER AND HIS RUM-PA-PUM-PUM!
CALLER HELLO, HOTLIDAY HOTLINE,
THE CHRISTMAS RERUNS ARE AFFECTING MY BRAIN.
THEY'RE LIKE A STEALTH ATTACKER --
DON'T MAKE ME SEE NUTCRACKER! --
AND ONE MORE SCROOGE WILL MAKE ME GO COMPLETELY INSANE!
IT'S INSANE!
ALL IT'S INSANE!
HELP ME! HOLIDAY HOTLINE!
I'M TIRED OF SHOPPING 'TIL I'M ALMOST BLIND!
HELP ME! HOLIDAY HOTLINE!
YOU'VE HEARD OF SEASONAL DEPRESSION --
THIS IS MY SEASONAL CONFESSION --
IT'S DRIVING ME OUT OF MY MIND!
ORDER A PERUSAL COPY DOWNLOAD MP3
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