HEART SMART

by Linda Eisenstein

 Full Length Plays

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 Comedy/drama

10 minutes

2F

1F: 20's; 1F: 50's

 In a hospital cardiac unit, two women cross swords over the care of a corporate executive: his 50-something wife and his 20-something mistress.

  •  Awards: Winner, 2003 Palm Springs National Short Play Competition
  • Productions: Heartlande Theatre Company (Birmingham, MI); Big Dawg New Play Festival (Wilmington, NC); Sauk Theatre (Jonesville, MI); Alleyway Theatre (Buffalo); Ten by Ten Festival (Carrboro, NC); Artistic Home (Chicago); Playwrights Circle (Palm Springs); Brewster Theatre Co. (Brewster, NY); Cleveland Public Theatre
  • Readings: Mae West Fest (Seattle, WA); Estrogenius Festival, ManhattanTheatreSource (NYC)

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 EXCERPT

 

[LILY, an elegant 50-something, and JENNIFER, a sleek, corporate 20-something, meet in the hallway of a cardiac ward outside a patient's room. The sinister beep of machines.]

LILY

Prognosis. It's all a bit of a blur, let me get my Cliff's Notes. (she reads) "100% blockage in two arteries, 90% in two others. Angioplasty would have been iffy, so they did a quadruple bypass, but only after they stabilized him." Which wasn't easy, apparently, he was flopping around like a flounder.

JENNIFER

Jesus.

LILY

Did you know they turn grey? Grey and waxy, it's very disconcerting.

 

JENNIFER

Jesus! But he's...

LILY

Alive? Yes, though he barely looks it. Awake? Not yet. Capable of speech? Don't know, they just took his tube out.

JENNIFER

Oh my God, poor Miles,

LILY

Capable of erection? I wouldn't know, you tell me.

JENNIFER

Excuse me?!?

LILY

Oh, dear, that just popped out. Caregiver stress, they call it, just pretend you didn't hear it and I'll pretend I didn't say it.

JENNIFER

How can you say a thing like -- ?

LILY

Oh don't be boring, Jennifer, we haven't time. Our Lord and Master has been carved up like a Christmas turkey, let's cut to the chase.

JENNIFER

We're colleagues, Mrs. Mitchell,

LILY

Colleagues.

JENNIFER

I'm on the acquisition team, we've been working very closely,

(LILY laughs, a short but very loud bray.)

JENNIFER

I was just...hoping to see him.

LILY

Well, I'm afraid he can't see any "colleagues", Jennifer. Not right now. Only intimates. Because we intimates are the ones who get the happy slappy fun job of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.


JENNIFER

God, this is a nightmare.

LILY

Yes, it's inconvenient as hell and totally unfair. I've got an opera benefit in five weeks. And look at poor you. One minute he's a master of the universe and you're his jolly hatchet-wielding handmaiden, zooming all over the globe with him -- your thighs get damp just thinking about it, I'll bet. The next minute, boom, he's grounded, not even in the game, and there you are out in Japanese corporate limbo, facing the karaoke alone. Well, that's men for you.

(CONTINUES)

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